hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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