you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
