yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
