I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
