He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
