I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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