Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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