I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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