shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
