i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize