dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
