I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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