Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
