WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
