I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
