Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
