I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize