my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
