i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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