im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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