Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
