I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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