She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I came so hard my ears popped.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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