i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
