I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
