life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize