do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
