Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize