I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
