and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize