Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
