he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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