My sheets look like a crime scene.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
