doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
