you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
