I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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