Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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