if you like me you must not know who I am
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
