I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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