apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize