Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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