in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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