so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
