Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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