I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
