every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
