Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
