I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You made out with two different species that night
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
