I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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