Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
