I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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