I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he fucked my hip out of place.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
