I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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