I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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