I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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