Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize