I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
