dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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