thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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