Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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