I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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