checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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